Coverage of me and other train wrecks: my mama, subway nut jobs, sex and the environment.


Fart on the Pope

So I've pasted a whole article from the Guardian online by Tom Kington and Riazat Butt titled "Pope urges defence of heterosexuality". My comments are in the brackets. Let me preface this by saying:



The pope has sparked controversy by saying defending heterosexuality is as important as saving the world's rainforests from destruction. [there are MORE heterosexuals now living than ever before in the history of mankind. How exactly are homos endagering heteros? How? Heteros have all the money, the power, the guns!!!]

Speaking in a holiday address [spreading cheer] to the Curia, the Vatican's central administration, Benedict said yesterday the church viewed the distinction between men and women as central to human nature, and "asks that this order, set down by creation, be respected".

The church, he said, "should protect man from the destruction of himself. A sort of ecology of man was needed, he said," adding: "The tropical forests do deserve our protection; but man, as a creature, does not deserve any less." [I just hope every vatican-abiding catholic out there does their duty and breeds. PLEASE, breed yourselves ad infinitum, hyper-populate the cities you live in, WE NEED MORE PEOPLE on this planet. Seriously. Don't stop until every square inch of the globe is paved over and covered by heterosexual catholics. Only then will mankind be safe.]

Benedict focused his attack on what he described as "gender" theories, "which lead towards the definitive emancipation of man from creation and the creator".

Homosexual groups in Italy called the speech an unfounded attack on homosexuality and, more specifically, on people who undergo sex changes. "What keeps the pope awake at night is the idea that human beings might be able to seek out their own sexual identity in a bid to have a happy life," said Franco Grillini, head of Gaynet.[an organization that fishes for gays]

"The speech has no scientific basis," [no shit] said Aurelio Mancuso, head of Arcigay. "A divine programme for men and women is out of line with nature, where the roles are not so clear."

The Catholic church teaches that while homosexuality is not sinful, homosexual acts are. [but heterosexual acts such as homophobia and persecution of queers AREN'T]It opposes gay marriage, and in October a leading Vatican official called homosexuality "a deviation, an irregularity, a wound". [yup, queer people ARE wounded, we are fucking bleeding over here and who is holding the sanctimonious knife? Breeders like El Papa in Cuckooland]

Father Federico Lombardi, a Vatican spokesman, said today that the pope had not wished specifically to attack homosexuality [Pope just wanted to GENERALLY attack homosexuality] or sex change operations in his speech. "He was speaking more generally about gender theories [Which gender theorist's work is he mad about? Judith Butler's? Jacques Lacan's? Julia Kristeva's? Show me his reading list, damnit!] which overlook the fundamental difference in creation between men and women and focus instead on the role of cultural conditioning," he said.

Mike Egan, chair of the Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement, said: "It's all part of a fundamental mistake, to say that there's something abnormal about homosexuality. It's like being left-handed. There are much greater threats to marriage and family life. [yeah, like McDonalds. McDonalds makes you fat and then your wife leaves you and your family thinks yr ugly. McDonalds is the devil.]

"There are people among bishops and clergy who think the official line on homosexuality is not true and the more official pronouncements there are, the deeper the hole the church is digging for itself. I would say to gay Catholics, the man is right on lots of other things and hang on in there."[hang on in there? Is this the best you can do, bitch? I'll remember that next time a christian is waving a God Hates Fags sign at the funeral of a kid beaten to death for being gay]

Catholic bishops in England and Wales are encouraging a more pastoral approach to homosexuals.[pastoral? Like with lambs and dwarves and fields of flowers?!] Last month they issued a leaflet [leaflets aren't pastoral] urging clergy and parishioners to welcome and respectful of gay men and lesbians. Its reading list did not include Vatican statements and omitted papal documents denouncing homosexuality.

The leaflet was called, "What is life like if you or someone in your family is gay or lesbian in their sexual orientation? ... and what can your parish family do to make a difference?" It acknowledged the "oppression" suffered by homosexuals.[This anti-homophobia leaflet is just a step, though, there's gonna be a newsletter, a YayGay jingle and a limited edition collectors plate to hang on yr gay wall!]

"As a group that has suffered more than its share of oppression and contempt, the homosexual community has a particular claim on the concern of the church," it said.

The leaflet cited comments received during a survey suggesting that the church acknowledged it may have played a role in victimising and marginalising gay and lesbian Catholics. These included: "The continual message from the church is that homosexuality is so, so dreadful. Our gay son just hasn't stood a chance"; and, "My brother is gay; the church has been very intolerant of him."

If you wanna read the original article without commentary, here it is.


Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

Why do I love this so much? I think it's because I find werewolves sexy. Tracy Morgan is awesome.

Adolf Hitler Campbell

A mommy and a daddy in America had a little boy and decided to name him Adolf Hitler Campbell. Life is hard for them because sometimes people don't wanna write the kid's name on birthday cakes. Imagine you're working at Carvell and a cute little boy is having a birthday and his name is Osama Bin Laden Woodcuff and you have been asked to write his name on the cake. If you do it, then the cake will end up exploding and demolishing a tall building. If you don't, then you're a biggot and you're no better than Dick Cheney.

This story is totally inspiring. Like, I think that my bf and I should name our future kids Coretta Scott King Barreto and Jesus Christ Pamatmat.

Like, wow. Like totally.

Oh and the other great thing about this family is that one of their other kids is named Aryan Race. Oh yeah. They are SO political. Those kids are gonna have so much fun growing up with those names. They will be loved by all.*

*this statement has not been reviewed by jews, blacks, latinos, native americans, asians, and smart whites; guarantee of love not included.


J'aime les francais

Je suis desole, mais je suis sur que je ferais beaucoup des erreurs parce qu'il y a un longtemps que je n'ecrit pas en francais. Domage. Eh bien:

J'aime la france. Je n'ai jamais voyage la bas, mais j'en voudrais. Les mecs francais sont maigres et beau. J'aime la nourriture francaise. J'aime aussi le socialisme. Si on a besoin d'aller au medecin, a la France c'est un service de l'etat, mais aux EEUU ce service coute trop.

Je voudrais devenir citoyen de la France. Envoie moi les formulaires!

What's fatty, salty and highly processed? We are!

Yuppers. According to a new survey, Americans love being obese (1/3 of the population), living by the ocean, and getting plastic surgery. Although I guess if most of the "plastic surgery" is in the form of botox injections, it's not really surgery or plastic, but I really do not like semantic arguments (today). USA! USA! USA!

So yeah, we're turning into beef empanadas who enjoy really pretty views of hurricanes. Ahhhh.

The survey is called the 2009 Statistical Abstract of the United States, in case you wanna do some research.

Here's the article from the beautiful and sexy Guardian in the UK. Purrrr.


The sucky thing about HEROES last night (spoiler alert!) how I don't care about Syler's mommy-daddy issues because they haven't given us enough info. Syler's just going around acting bonkers. First he's good, then he's in love, then he's evil and in love, now he's just evil and full of anger. He's like a more destructive version of me in my mid-twenties, and that's just annoying. If I don't know specifics of how they "made him," of his suffering, then how can I care? I can't and don't. But I hope he kills all the characters I hate first.

The other sucky thing is they always kill the black men. Always. Except it seems the African guy with the power to see the future is still alive. Is the Haitian alive?

What's not sucky is how Hiro and Ando are like this black hole of comedy. Like, any character that ends up in a scene with them gets sucked into a clowny land. I mean, when Hiro bowed respectfully before punching Freezy Blond in the face? And then she topples backward like a totem pole? That was funny. That character will never be funny again unless she's in a room with Hiro or Ando.

Hiro and Ando are the best. The whole show could use more of their kind of light-heartedness. It's all so serious, the stakes are always so high--save mankind or die, and spend all the time in between mulling over tough problems. I mean, that's okay. Sometimes the stakes are high. That's life right? We're all trying to survive on our path towards inevitable death, but there's no reason we can't crack a joke here and then, or trip on a banana peel, or fart or whatever.

Please make someone rip out Mohinder's vocal cords. Please. I hate his narrations: poetry, beauty, meaning meaning meaning--shut up!


There's a Black Man in the White House, and there's a...

...woman and an Asian man and a Black woman and there's all kinds now. Obama wants Carol M. Browner for a climate post, Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, for energy secretary and Lisa P. Jackson, a New Jersey official, to head the E.P.A.

I know skin color proves nothing, but damn it feels good to see faces in power that I recognize. Don't get me wrong, I've never met any of these people, but when I open up the paper and am like, "oh, those people look like a slice of my social life," it's just satisfying. I'm glad that not every person Obama has appointed is an old white man, and I'm a little scared to say that because I don't wanna offend the old white men that read my blog. I also do not wanna offend the people who read my blog who love old white men.

Old white men are great. They have taught us all how to use and keep power, and that's important. Some old white men, like Jim Henson, even taught us to share things, like love and puppets, and if you combine using power with sharing, then you learn to share power. And that's super important, too. Yayyyyyy!


Only Child Syndrome (Part 18.6)

When I was a little boy, my mama said I was very special because she wanted me to feel good about myself. I did. I felt really good about myself. I felt so special that I was almost sure, in my heart, that I was Jesus.

When I was a little boy I thought I was Jesus. I thought I would grow up with the burden of being the second coming of Christ. I figured sometime in high school I would receive an official visit from an angel who would confirm the news. So I waited. And I waited. And I did good deeds: I mowed the lawn, smiled often, refused to make fun of nice people, prayed all day, and said "thanks God" anytime something good happened. I always behaved in a way that was better than other people (the son of God has high standards).

Because I was Jesus it was very easy for me to tell right from wrong. It was also very easy for me to tell when people were being bad and were going to hell. I thought: most people are going to hell because they are evil, they listen to the dark side, and they make fun of me for wearing pink short-sleeved button-down shirts tucked into black baggy pants. Kids especially are evil.

I wasn't ever nor will I ever be Jesus, but I was and still am a big dork. For example, it makes me proud, now that I'm grown up, that I can remember the details of my nerdy childhood clothing, picked out by mama, of course. Taunting helps to engrave memories into your soul with surprising meticulousness. This kind of pride is dorky.

It also makes me proud that I can say that while I'm definitely not Jesus, I am still better than most.


Milk That Movie!

You probably think the film MILK starring Sean Penn and directed by Gus Van Sant is super relevant because it addresses the recent passing of proposition 8 in California. In the movie there’s all this hullaballoo over Prop 3, so it’s really easy to insert 8 in place of 3, especially because all you have to do is add a couple of semi-circles to the 3.

MILK is all about how wrong gay people are nowadays. It’s about how if you’re whining for acceptance into the married status-quo you’re totally off track. If you think about the way in which the guy from the Advocate refuses to endorse Harvey Milk because Milk is too “gay” and the Advocate (although it’s a homo publication) is more concerned with fitting in, and keeping feathers unruffled—if you think about this moment in the movie, you’ll see that basically the whole marriage equality campaign today, which is promoted by gays with money (i.e., like the Advocate guy in the movie) is a classist, conformist concern.

Queer teens still get bullied and even killed. Queer people still get fired for being queer (ask any transgendered person how easy it is to get a job if you’re not 100% “passable”). Queer youth get kicked out of their homes. Queer seniors get shunned from nursing homes. Crimes against queers go unprosecuted. Those are the injustices we should have marches about.

Who cares about marriage?! Except maybe people with assets. Okay, okay, queer couples with citizenship/deportation issues have a huge stake in the issue—perhaps the most legitimate stake—but really how do we expect heteros to be all like yeah, get married, woo hoo when they can’t even accept that their own child might be gay and when they think that talking to teens about using condoms or dental dams if they have sex with someone of the same gender is some kind of recruitment tactic?

It just seems that the marriage equality movement has left behind a whole lotta queers who aren’t middle-class or upper-class or white or urbanites or adults (yet). If I were a single, financially strapped, 19-year old Mohican dyke living on a farm in Wisconsin, worried about her future I’d be so damned pissed about the marriage equality bullshit, but I would go see MILK and I’d get some good ideas about how to improve my world.

Under My Foot

Nothing is happening. Nothing happens. Very rarely does something actually happen. Today, nothing. Tomorrow, who knows. I know some of you are probably thinking, wow, that's profound, but trust me, it's not. You have the same thought every morning, I bet, as you roll along to work.

This morning was the most stupid thing, but in the end it was not an important or meaningful thing, just a thing like any other: stupid, but not stupid enough to really matter.

This morning I was barefoot in my apartment as is my right. One should be free to be barefoot always. It airs out the toes and gives one a sense of complete ownership of the floor, and I don’t know about you, but when I feel like I truly own something, I experience a total rush of contentment, of peace: my floor, my computer, my shoes, my feet.

In the kitchen I was standing barefoot, enjoying total contentment, making oatmeal. I felt a tickle at the bottom of my foot, right around the arch. Nothing particularly noteworthy, just a minor tickle. But noticeable enough that I looked down and wondered, “maybe it’s a piece of celery from that soup.” Chopped celery has the kind of bumpiness that would make the bottom of my foot feel a slight tickle. Having chopped celery on the floor is not a good idea when you have two cats. They could eat the celery and have an allergic reaction (but only if they are allergic to celery).

When I lifted my foot, it wasn’t celery, it was a cockroach. The roach was trying to hide in the shade of my arch. It freaked out, swirled in a fast circle that was meant to confuse me (and it worked!) and disappeared under the oven. That was it. It's too bad I didn't kill it because now it's making babies under the oven, but I think I get Karma points for letting it live, so it's not a totally diappointing day the way most days are.


Happiness, Children, Happiness

You know when you learn something that has a profound effect on your life and you feel really happy and so you wanna share that knowledge with everyone because you're convinced it'll make them happy, too? It's kinda like what Christians feel when they open their hearts to The Bleeding One (TBO) and go on missions around the world to convert people.

Well, I'm here to convert you to meditation. I think it's key to lasting happiness and peace. There's tons of kinds of meditation. I've been practicing techniques based in Tantric philosophy (which has limbs in Buddhism and Yoga, but I'm in the Yoga branch of it).

Still, I don't have time right now to teach you everything. I wish I did. I wish I could help you be happy, because I know you want to be happy, but the thing is, meditation is something you practice and only YOU can find the inner peace/happiness/contentment/divinity (you can call it so many things). Each person has this contentment inside themselves. Well, maybe psycho killers don't and that's what makes them slaughter, but the rest of us do, I'm sure of it. Anyhow, all that to say: I've been meditating; it makes me happier; it might make you happier too if you practice with dedication.

Google meditation, find a simple technique, and get going! It totally beats communion wafers and there's no oppressive dogma.




Happy Sunshine Go-Go-Go!

Being happy is one of my favorite things because then I don't feel like my life sucks and then when I'm happy and I think about the decisions I've made in my life I don't hear the voice of my mother and her evil relatives telling me that I'm a loser and that I'm making them all cry because I'm such a loser. Being happy makes my relatives die. In my imagination. And then it's a feedback loop: I get even more happy, "Oh my god, no more pesky Aunties and Uncles judging me from inside my head! I'm free!" It reminds me of when I would take two pills of ecstasy after the first pill of ecstasy had worn off. happy Happy HAPPY!

But when I'm happy and sober, like I was all day yesterday, I get really scared because I know that the happiness will eventually go away.

When I was little and I used to go to the beach I would splash around in the water all day and take in as much sun as possible, and even when my parents were already in the car, even when they had started the ignition and threatened to abandon me in the Atlantic Ocean I would still be in the water splashing because I just didn't want the happy day to end.

So I guess what I'm saying is that being happy sucks cuz eventually you're gonna get yanked outta the water by your pissed off, wet father and someone's gonna yell at you.

Later I'm gonna blog about how I've found the key to lasting happiness (I'm serious). Stay tuned!


Up and Dow and Up

Ugh. I’m so depressed. It’s 3:08 pm and the DOW is up 127.68 points. What the hell. And there’s even front page articles all over all the media sites announcing that the jobless rate is the highest since the disco era. I mean, come on people, stop believing in a debt-society and let the stock market crash. My life is a damn zombie movie. Everytime I think the zombies are finally dead, they start rising back up. Or like a birthday cake with those candles you can never blow out. Or like a rigged carnival game that you can never win. Damnit! I just wanna win the game. I wanna win, and I wanna blow out the flame, and I wanna kill the fucking zombie already. Die, DOW, die!

And sometimes...

...the other thing I do is I read articles in the New York Times ('sup Times!), about natural disasters in other parts of the world and I wish with all my heart that those people in that part of the world weren't suffering, that I could somehow take away their suffering and cast it upon us right here in Manhattan, USA. Like, I know we had 9/11 and that was all deadly and stuff, but it made people good for a while. It made people care. Like people actually looked at each other in the street and smiled because they were like, "Hey brother, I survived this and you did, too. Let's make peace in our lives. We have so much to be thankful for. Enjoy your donut."

But now everyone's a bitch again. This is why people who suffer deeply are really, really nice. And I want people to be nice, so I would gladly take away the tsunamis and the quakes from the people in other countries and I would give them to America. If I was God, but like God as a man living in the States, that's what I would do. I would give people something to be truly sad about so that they can realize that life's cool and stop being so cunty.

Bad Puppies

I swear, these days, I don't care about anything except desctruction. Like, why won't the stockmarket just collapse already? I want it to die, dramatically. And climate change? Please oh please run your cars--go outside right now and run your cars for no reason other than to ruin the atmosphere. The more fires we feed, the more ashes, the more phoenixes.

I secretly wanted John McCain to win because I am a disaster addict. Because if the flood of shit is rising up above our heads and filling our lungs with gunk, then I’ll been proved right: we DID need to save the environment, stop our polluting, and elect better officials. I want the dumbfucks to hurt even if I hurt, too, just to show 'em how wrong they've been. Rub their fucking chihuahua faces in their own, catastrophic turds.

(OMG, is this what it's like to think like a suicide bomber: let 'em hurt even if I hurt, too? I've hit rock bottom.)