The Perfect Words

It took years to realize mama was NOT a linguistics teacher, nor a Spanish instructor, nor an expert in any kind of subject matter whatsoever. She speaks with ignorant authority but at least in the realm of Spanish grammar and syntax, she tends to know more than I do.

Last night she demonstrated as much when she asked me to repeat something I'd just said. I repeated it, and then:

"Oh, I asked you to repeat it because you said it wrong. You've already made three mistakes in your grammar during this conversation. Your Spanish isn't perfect anymore the way it used to be." Except she's been saying this since I was in high school, so I have to wonder--when WAS my Spanish perfect? Maybe when I was 4 and the only language I spoke was Spanish....maybe that was my linguistic garden of eden. It took her all of 10 seconds to push my buttons.

"You're right, mama," I replied, "you're the essence of perfection. I on the other hand speak like an ogre."
"What did you say?"
"I said I must sound like an ogre to you."
"No, see, you did it again because that's not an applicable use of that expression."

Which fucking expression? Sarcasm? Twice she slammed on all my buttons. Twice in a row. I ended the conversation so as to avoid bursting out in anger but now I wish I'd burst out in anger. Fuck her. I should get her a muzzle.

And it's not like mama even KNOWS the rules of grammar. She doesn't. She just shoots out the correct verb tense or pronunciation and expects me to follow. Fucking bitch, LEARN ENGLISH!! Shit, she's been here 30 years and can't speak it. That's my ammo for next time this happens.