The Wayward Wife

Why is it so fucking hard to get off of a subway train in New York City without running into a Fuckwad?

Case study: The Wayward Wife

I was standing in front of the doors as the train pulled into the station. Passengers to the right of me, passengers behind me. The doors open and I take two steps toward the egress when the Fuckwad steps onto the train car and stands directly in front of me. I look down at her stringy brown hair, catching a glimpse of her overly exposed cleavage as it pressed through her sticky purple tanktop towards me. She didn’t look at me so as to , oh I dunno, see where she was going, so I said to her as she stood there confused by her inability to get past my trapped body: Lady. Where are you gonna go. I need to get off first can you move? Where you gonna—

With that she shoveled towards me as though she was gonna dig a hole in my side. I did what any self-respecting passenger would. I elbowed her breasts (aiming for her ribs, but she was a short woman and I undershot the blow). This forced her to stand sideways and gave me enough room to squeeze past her and off the train. That’s when I noticed that her husband/lover/zookeeper had been on the platform the whole time, clearly embarassed by his Fuckwad Wife as he waited patiently for people like me to get off before boarding. When I finally got to the platform he smiled at me in that apologetic way while she called me “Estúpido!”

Stupidity is easy to recognize because it never recognizes itself; she was such a mean idiot. And really I wondered: is she suffering from gentlemanlinitis?—you know, that’s the affliction that makes some women and men believe that the world should always make way for them, that others should open doors and pick up their litter and give up their seat. Clearly her keeper knew that he should wait for the passengers to get off before boarding the train. Clearly she’s hanging out with a polite person. So why doesn’t it rub off? Why? Probably because she expects everybody around her needs to be a gentleman.