Stink Bomb Terror

What is it with idiots and their toilet water? Fuck. I understand that it’s summer and people get hot and sweaty. Fine. Wear deodorant! That’s all you need. But no, men and women alike soak themselves in perfumes and colognes and eau de drag queen to the point that they fill the train cars with their scents. This is not attractive!!! There’s nothing appealing about someone who smells like a Calvin Klein brand, and I’m sorry if that bottle cost you 50 bucks—you should’ve invested in some patchouli oil instead.

Actually it’s not a fear of stinkage that’s motivating the perfumania—the real motivator is a desperate need for attention. These folks need their presence felt. They, like canines and felines, want to put their mark on the world without care for the offense it may provoke.

The worst thing is that excessive scenting is now a trend among males looking to get laid. Axe body spray has put out a strong campaign to convince hetero males that if they smell like dollar store potpourri they’ll attract more women. What kind of women, exactly? Dollar store women, perhaps. I normally dismiss the power of advertising except that most of the younger men at my gym are now using Axe body sprays. That’s right—they shower with scented soap, they lather up their hair with scented shampoos, they wear musky deodorants, and then, after all that, they spray on this crap and of course it fills the air around them to the point that you can’t breathe. Some of the older men in the locker room will start coughing. These same scent-bombers then get on the train where, encapsulated, their scents grow and mix with everyone else’s perfume, resulting (in me) in one mind blowing case of the pukes. Okay, I don’t literally throw up, but I DO get nauseous and sometimes even get a headache. Can I sue?!

It's one thing to keep yourself from smelling like mold and crotch sweat, it's quite another to choke the people around you with tentacles of artificially scented sprays. I mean, really, that's my gripe: that all these perfumes smell artificial. If people used NATURAL oils like they did a century and a half ago, it'd all be fine. Natural Oil scents are never super strong and they fade throughout the day. And they don't smell toxic. Tonight, after I ask G-d to demand a ceasefire from Israel, I'm asking for the artificial aroma industry to go out of business. Amen.