F You, Mom and Dad! F You A Lot!

Just kidding (sort of). But seriously, I don't really mean that--not all the time.

You know, the volatile mix of Psychology and Parenting magazines makes it really hard to be a happy adult. I mean, everytime I read an article about good parenting, it's so hard not to be all finger pointy and call my parents to bitch them out: "you fuckers, you didn't do it right! You fucked me up! I should kill you! You should've read this article by Dr. Bighead, but you didn't and now I have emotional stress and anxieties that are irreperrable and I suck at spelling and it's all your fault. You poisoned my soul."

Today I read an article by Colleen Davis Gardephe about raising only children; I found it on Parents.com. It's particularly meaningful to me because my parents didn't do any of the things she recommends. [Here's an excerpt. I've inserted my megalomaniacal commentary in brackets]

many onlies are verbally precocious and high achievers at an early age, [I was a gifted kid!] it's sometimes hard to know what behavior is age-appropriate for them. It's also difficult to know when you're pushing too hard and when you're not pushing enough. By the age of 7 or 8, only children are like little adults. In their opinion, kids their own age are immature [I was SO DAMN MATURE, when I was one I was, like, drinking metamucil out of a bottle]. Slow down, and make sure your only child has a childhood [childhood is for immature losers].

Don't ask for perfection [but they did, they DID ask for it]. For most only children, perfectionism seems to go with the territory [the only territory I had was Perfectolandia]. Only children want so much to please their parents, and because they peer with adults, they take on adult standards [adults rule!], says Carl E. Pickhardt, PhD, author of Keys to Parenting an Only Child [Carl's an adult; he rules!]. While it's fine to want the best for your child, it's important not to make your goals and anxieties his [your goals and anxieties were mine, mom! They were a gift I didn't want but I opened the gift and I pretended to like it and eventually I wore it for the yearbook picture. I want my childhood back!].

Don't get me wrong, the article is interesting, but it doesn't do me any good now. The only thing we adult only children can do now is to love our fucked upness and to stop blaming our stupid parents.