Demented Latinos

The NY Times reports that findings indicate Latinos in the US are more likely to develop Alzheimer's than people from other cultural backgrounds.

Well, if you're Latino, you're probably like, "no duh, Sherlock. All the viejos in my family go cuckoo for coco puffs." Every single one of my mother's siblings has developed Alzheimer's except (as far as we know) her youngest brother...any day now...

At 72 My mom has shown plenty of symptoms so far. She's always been a little...kooky--seeing ghosts and angels, talking to Jesus (and, yes, Jesus has talked back). I think it's the excessive amounts of café she drinks. She has a shot of espresso every hour, every day until about 7pm. She's been getting worse, although it's hard to tell how much of it is her...kookiness...and how much of it is authentic dementia.

That's the thing, I mean, latinos are kinda nutty to begin with (vis a vis our puritanical stoic Gringo pals). I mean come on, our families work themselves to the bone and are made up of 90% caffeine and 80% porkfat. Add to that the trauma of leaving your family and loved ones in another country and the whole language barrier stuff and you've got a recipe for mental breakdown. Still, other groups of people fit this description, so...Why Latinos?

Is it our sexy moves? Our piercing eyes? Our curves? Or could it be the dreaded ñ? That letter after n that no other alphabet pronounces? The ñ is cursed, I tell you! Oh and we weren't satisfied with just one strange letter in our alphabet--oh no, we had to go and add the double L and the double R and we even turned CH into a letter. CH! I mean, no wonder we get demented.

The NY Times doesn't even mention the corrosiveness of our alphabet. Their interviewees suggest that these statistics might be because Latinos have higher rates of obesity, high blood pressure and diabetes than others in America. Whatever. A genetic cause has been ruled out because Latinos come from an ethnically diverse gene pool and high levels of crazy-town show up whether you're Mexican, Cuban or Chilean.Here's the whole article.
I'm telling you--it's the café and the excessive telenovelas and the alphabet. If you want to save your relatives' brains, burn the Bustelo factory and promote Maxwell House. Tear down Telemundo and turn on Showtime. And for sanity's sake, make them speak Gringo!