Visions 3

I came out twice. The first time I'd been fooling around with a guy in my high school who was a year younger than I. Then he and I broke up and when I told mama, well...

There she was, lying down on my water bed, still undulating from the waves within, lecturing on the importance of God's word and Romans and Leviticus and bible bible hell hell, when I dropped the news that Kevin and I had broken up.

Mama sat up and almost toppled over from the swooshing mattress. "Oh Alex, this is wonderful news. Hallelujah Lord! Hallelujah he's saved! HE's come back to you Jesus!"

"This doesn't mean I've changed--"

"Praise Jesus! Praise praise PRAISE your holy name and your light oh almighty chrIST you have BROUGHT BACK my SON!"

She didn't listen. And something clicked. I could lie to her. That's what she wanted, right? For me to lie? For me to be straight again? Okay. And life could be normal again and I wouldn't have to go to therapy and I could have friends again and...so I went with it.

I was safe for my entire senior year. Then, right before graduation I came out again.

Soon after the second coming...out, I was returning home from work and under the royal poinciana tree mama sat. She gazed up at the clouds and then her eyes swayed over to me as I got out of the car and stepped onto the driveway.

"Alex. I want to tell you something." Tears rolled down her cheeks and behind her--a fiery sunset.

"Alex, Jesus told me you're not gay. So I don't believe you. Jesus told me you're not. You're normal. You're not," and this was enough to work up a whole new stream of tears. When I protested she said, "he came to me under this tree and I heard his words clearly: 'Alex is not gay.'" Jesus was so totally up on the latest lingo, yo.