Petty Petty

I'm a stubborn fool.

This morning I waited outside the open doors of the subway car so that the passengers on board could get off before I got on. When I finally started moving forward some guy larger than me decided he'd barrel past me and bumped against me several times (no apologies) until I finally elbowed him. I turned to get a better look and thought, shit, this is it, this is where he breaks my glasses.

So then of course fear got me all high on myself and I asked him, as he stared at me and got closer to my face: "what's your problem?" never engage, Alex, never engage, but I never learn my lesson. He asked me the same question and got all up in my face. Are men programmed to battle? I mean the whole thing seems so unlike me but there I was in the middle of a confrontation with another guy.

In an effort to secure my balance before the train started to move and to create some space between me and this guy, I walked towards a pole. He pursued, his face in mine, his eyes locked onto mine, both of us fuming, both of us asking repeatedly, "What's your problem?" Finally I rolled my eyes, laughed cynically, and said, "You know what, it's too early in the morning for this shit." He agreed. There we both stood, fuming still. I thought reading Maria Irene Fornes' MUD would diffuse the situation, so I took out my copy of the play and picked up where I'd left off. Of course, it took me about ten minutes to find where I'd left off because I was still mad at this guy who was standing right next to me. Secretly I hoped he'd see that I was reading a play by a latina and he'd cool off. (Bumper boy had a spanish accent, so I assumed he'd realize I was latino too and joyful cameraderie would replace bile).

Also I hoped that the yoga I did this morning would rub off on him--that a ball of peaceful energy would infuse his fiery heart.

A while into my reading, he started to hum. I couldn't recognize the tune, something melodic and peaceful, with a touch of mourning. Then a seat opened up and he sat. I felt slightly victorious, I'll admit, because here we both were standing there in defiance of each other and it was he who finally gave up the tug of war by sitting like a sisssy. Throughout the train ride I made it a point to be extra vocal and kind anytime I said excuse me if I bumped into someone, just in case my doppelganger was watching.

Finally off the train and onto the sidewalk and on my way to work, breathing through my chakras to regain the peace I'd lost, I hear "Hey man. Hey! Take it easy." It was him. He was talking to me..."You take it easy, too." I thought he was ordering me around and I HATE to be told what to do, especially to be told to take it easy--I will NOT take it easy. He smiled. "Sometimes things happen and it's the wrong place, wrong time, but you're right, we don't got time for that shit. Amen," and he put his and on my shoulder, still smiling. Then he asked me how to get to Rockefeller Center.

I was too shocked to do anything but half smile and stare into my cell phone. Then I walked away feeling like an ogre--here this guy had completely erased his anger and was offering me a smile and friendship and I was still thinking to myself, you fucker YOU bulldozed yourself into ME.