How To Tame Your Toddler

Here's what young papa taught me today on the 7 train about parenting.

His lil' twit was sitting next to me kicking and flailing for papa to give him a sugary Starburst square. He screamed and cried until papa started opening the package. Then he screamed and kicked cuz papa was taking too long. Then papa gave him a treat and lil' twit cooed with delight.

A few chewy minutes later he started to scream and cry (although does it count if there aren't tears?). Then papa opened another candy and popped it in his son's mouth and lil' poopie chewed away with glee.

Then little poopie was done. So he started to play with the strap on papa's coat. Papa noticed and moved his coat out of reach so lil' plop fart wailed in pain and papa gave him his very own, un-opened treat. But lil' plop fart couldn't open the treat fast enough so papa took it away and lil' plop fart yelled and cried and screamed and kicked as papa opened the candy wrapper. Finally papa popped a sugary square into lil' cavityhead's mouth and all was well again.

The moral of the story? Give kids candy and they'll shut up. Remember the plant from Lil' Shop of Horrors? That's what a kid is like. You appease it by giving it what it wants.....

Just don't run out of candy.....(and as a sidebar: what a damn racist movie/musical this is! I mean come on, evil Black plant from outerspace? Okay...)