CLOISTERS, PLEASE
My brain's disintegrating. I'm having a midlife crisis at almost 31. Everything is in question. It's like the climax of my twenties, but it's like what most men get in their 40's. I rearranged a bunch of shit in my life and created this totally revamped schedule:
Part time at Actors' Equity Association, 3 days a week
Part time as an unpaid intern at a bakery, 2 days a week
Playwright's Lab, 1 day a week
Mentoring a 16-year old, 1 day a week
Drawing class, 1 day a week
Freelance job, 2 days a week
Yoga, 4 days a week
Playwright....whenever I can.
Plus Rey and I are looking at apartments here and there in order to move (no rush, but it's in the works), and really all I wanna do is make a raft, throw myself into the sea, and wait until I hit land but the current will probably batter me back to the starting point.
My life, my dreams, right? I'm exploring a bunch of things, right? But I took on more than I can handle. I'm mentally exhausted and haven't blogged and all I wanna do is sleep somewhere warm with a beach and I'm angry that I can't do everything I WANT without MoNeY being a concern. And without self doubt: at every step of the way I doubt my ability to do anything. And I have no health care so if I pass out on the floor, I gotta mend my own cracked skull.
I can't believe I have two Ivy League degrees, am 30, and I'm still not established in anything. What I SHOULD do is simplify so that I have ONE job that gives me enough money and mental space so that I can write and do Yoga. That's the goal for April.
But in a few seconds, I'm gonna google: How do I become a monk and hide from America?
*gulp*...HEEELLLLPPP!!!
posted by Gucci at 10:43 AM
2 Comments:
Amen to that brother! I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have said the exactd same things to myself, to my partner, to my brother, to my mother, on paper, and of course to my therapists.
In about 1992 I wrote an essay in which I talked about my mid-20s crisis and now in my mid (ok late 30s) I feel it all over again.
When I saw David Byrne's book abou the NEW 7 deadly sins I was so relieved that he listed AMBITION. I have been fighting with myself for years over that naughty little trait which is mistakenly seen as a good thing but I see as the bane of existtence and the cause of so much strife and unrest in the world and in my head.
There must be some way to simplify and exist purely and simply.
2:19 PM
There IS a way to simplify: you simplify. The problem is the urge, the mentality, that more is better when it's really not. That urge pulls me out of simplicity.
Yoga practice is a good way to undo those neurons that just wanna keep firing.
This past weekend Rey laughed at me because I made a ganache-covered orange pound cake and some black bean dip for gusts that were coming over to read a draft of my new play. Then, 30 minutes before arrival time, I decided to make hummus. People arrived and I was frantic in the kitchen preparing. It's not like they were expecting a feast. It's not like more is better, except that little immigrant in my head thinks otherwise. Work Work WORK!
2:37 PM
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