Mobius Trip

Mama does not use her emotions to manipulate me. She’s upfront and honest always. That’s what she said: “I’m honest and upfront.”

A week ago a phone conversation started as such:

Alex: How are you?

Mama (sighing): Okay…

Alex: It seems to me you’re a little sad or something.

Mama: I’m down.

Alex: And why?

Mama: Nothing, the same things I’ve said to you before. It’s that I need to hear your voice. When the days go by and you don’t call me I get all….depressed…but now I feel better. It’s a privilege to speak with my son because he's the most important thing in my life.

Flash forward to mother’s day, sitting at the kitchen table, on cell with mama, ready to confess. I explained that I felt she was making me responsible for her emotions and that she has always made me responsible for her emotions and how it makes me feel shitty to be responsible for her emotions. Mama generously and calmly explained that she didn’t mean it that way--this is where she would've tapped the ash from her cigarette...if she smoked. She said that in the future if I’m confused about her intentions I should bring up my confusions in the moment because she is an honest, open person and manipulation is not her style.

I quashed the burning in my mouth, my tongue ready to spit out "LIAR!" Instead I silently wondered: what exactly IS your style, mama? It offends me that she thinks she can get away with lying to the one person in the world who knows her best, but I am letting go of the issue because in a moment of spiritual awakening earlier this year I decided to learn for myself what mama never taught me: forgiveness. I'm SO much better than her....where's my cigarette...?