Christgasms

I’m ashamed to admit it but I was raised a protestant. We were Cuban Methodists, to be precise, and by we I mean me and mama. Dad was a teetering agnostic: Something exists beyond the realm of the senses, he insisted, but he wasn’t sure that something was god. Me and mama had our own religion. We’d had a whole other religion: we worshiped spirits for half a decade, but Jesus spoke to mama and told her “enough is enough.” She immediately quit talking to ghosts and took up chatting with Christ. Enter Methodism. Nothing much to say about it; it was pretty strict: no worshipping nature, no rituals involving scented oils and flower petals the way I’d gotten used to. Methodists are solemn, punctual, and they don’t dance or drink or smoke. They’re not supposed to anyway.

Somewhere along my religious learnings I began to cry for Jesus. Streaming tears anytime I considered how he died for my sins, thinking I was unworthy of such a sacrifice. Why would anybody die for me? So I cried in response, not believing I was worthy of someone’s death. My guilt-ridden relationship to Jesus has kept me modest all these years (appropriate for protestants, I suppose). But it has also kept me from truly enjoying myself. Sometimes, when I orgasm and it feels really really good, I cry, feeling in my gut that I’m not worthy of so much pleasure and happiness and all those yummy feelings. What the fuck?! I mean, a tearful sense of worthlessness make coming (i.e., "cumming") emotionally melodic, as opposed to one-noted, but I kinda want the one-way fly-to-the-sky ticket without all the baggage. Somewhere in the back of my subconscious when I’m convulsing in the thrall of an orgasm there must be that image of Christ bloodying up some slabs of wood. I mean, it doesn't keep me from lubing up my dildo once a week, but still, it's icky poo invasive imagery. Maybe the trick is to sexualize the image of Christ, the way all those Renaissance painters did. Michaelangelo probably suffered from Christgasms too...

PS - if you're a Christian Conservative looking to quote this post to uphold your belief system while demonizing the gays, ask before you quote because I'd be interested in reading your insights once you do.