Bumping Baby Buggies

Remember when strollers were basically hammocks on wheels? Now they rival Hummers in size, with pockets and gadgets, zippers and locks, baskets and cubbies and knobs and cords—OH FUCKING MY! You can hide a bome in one of those things and because of that they should be banned in the name of Homeland Security!

Our parents before us grew up without SUV's, with smaller homes, and with smaller strollers and they turned out JUST FINE. Granted, their parents probably grew up with those Victorian-Era whirlygigs, but then again Victorians (unlike today's urban parents) were obnoxiously civilized.

As we speak, countless baby-filled strollers are being used in acts of terror against New Yorkers riding subway trains. Just last night I was sitting on the F train reading a book on Fidel Castro by Enrique Meneses, when the doors open and this guy yells “excuse me!” in an angry tone. Before I realize it, before I even know what he needs, he is rolling his megalostroller, child inside, over my feet. Both the front wheels of the stroller and the heftier rear wheels squashed my toes. I should’ve kicked his baby instead of waiting for the apology that never came. And this thumbs-for-brains is someone’s father.

How come idiots who procreate and shove their stroller-bound children into potentially armed-and-dangerous starngers are legal, but gay marriage isn't?